Now you have no reason to watch it and can spend your time better elsewhere. You’re welcome.

I knew in the first ten minutes of this film that it was going to be awesome. Why? Because the writer kept packing things into this tunnel. These include:

1. Several toxic waste trucks
2. Jewel thieves in a high speed chase
3. A bunch of snooty-sounding rich people
4. Viggo Mortensen
5. Sylvester Stallone, playing a cab driver
6. A bunch of tunnel workers that appear really happy

And in the first ten minutes, the word “tunnel” was used at least once every 15 seconds. So you know what this is like, I’ll use the word “tunnel” in every sentence in the next paragraph.

So what happens in this movie about the tunnel? The jewel thieves are in a high speed chase trying to escape the cops, so they decide to try to take the a tunnel. They then crash into toxic waste trucks which cause the tunnel to explode. A bunch of people are trapped in the tunnel. Sylvester Stallone finds all of the survivors in the tunnel and leads them into the tunnel’s wine alcove. Behind the wine alcove is a tunnel that leads all of the survivors into John Malkovich’s head. After about 15 minutes, the tunnel survivors are dumped out onto the side of the New Jersey Turnpike. Everyone dies a little bit after their experience with the tunnel. The end (of the tunnel).

1. Call a time out, tell your coach, and get replaced by another relief pitcher? OR
2. Intentionally walk 2 players, then get your team together, come up with two trick plays, and then toss the ball underhand across the plate to the best hitter on the opposing team?

For Henry Rowengartner of Rookie of the Year, the right answer was #2. And apparently the entire team was okay with it.

Henry is a 12 year old boy whose tendons “healed a little too tight” after breaking his arm. He then gains the ability to throw a baseball really fast. The owners of the Chicago Cubs, who at the time needed to sell out every baseball seat for the rest of the season in order to hold onto the team, likely because they have the worst bank in the world, decide to exploit 12 year old Henry, and bring him onto the team.

Henry pitches well, and most players cannot hit his fastball. The exception is nemesis Butch Heddo, a power hitter on the New York Mets that likes to taunt children.

Eventually, the Cubs start winning, and in the last game of the year, the Cubs play the Mets for the division title. Henry pitches two solid innings until he trips on a baseball, falls on his arm, and loses his ability to pitch 100mph fastballs. So what does he do? He intentionally walks two players and relies on their being incredibly stupid to get them out with trick plays.

The third batter up in the inning is Butch Heddo, Henry’s nemesis that has never had trouble hitting Henry’s pitches even when Henry was able to pitch 100mph. So what does Henry do? AFTER INTENTIONALLY WALKING TWO STRAIGHT PLAYERS, HE DECIDES TO ACTUALLY PITCH.

Which, okay, would be fine… except for the fact that his team, fully aware that Henry can no longer pitch fast, still insists that he pitch his fastball, a pitch that, contrary to popular belief, is actually only effective when thrown fast.

Under a lot of stress, Henry takes a second and steps off the rubber of the pitching mound. He then peels back a piece of tape on what he thought was his dad’s baseball glove, revealing that it was actually his mom that played baseball. (Now, you may think that I as the blog writer just neglected to explain the significance of Henry’s glove, but rest assured, this is the first time that the audience of the movie is introduced to it as well). Realizing that it was really his mom that was the baseball player, Henry shares a telepathic moment with his mom in which his mom instructs Henry to “float” the ball over the plate. What’s the significance of “floating” the ball? I don’t know. This was also left out of the movie. However, Henry does it, Heddo strikes out, the Cubs win, and players of Major League baseball go on strike the next year in 1994. The end.

If you think about it, he’s really hitting two girls…

No. The answer is much more devious. It’s a sign that lights up telling the audience to laugh.

Unfortunately, I did not see the sign, and thus I had no reason to find SNL funny tonight.

…which gave me the opportunity to watch Fab 5: The Texas Cheerleader Scandal on Lifetime: Television for Women.

Fab 5: The Texas Cheerleader Scandal is the prequel to the horror flick The Texas Cheerleader Chainsaw Massacre, in which five cheerleaders with a problem with authority end up becoming cannibals, living in the woods, and wearing leather masks.

The prequel tells the story of a cheerleading coach that overcomes adversity. And by adversity, I mean 5 teenage girls.

So what did the 5 teenage girls do? They went wild. (And in the sequel, they go feral!)

That’s really the entire movie. Al out.

Maybe. But it’s hard to say. Looking at IMDB, he’s in 31 films, and I’ve only see 2 of them. However, I can say that it’s the shape of his head and the characteristics of his face that say, “nice, charming, poor.” I’m guessing that Gad Elmaleh will continue to play this roll in the near future and continue doing it wonderfully!

Also great in the film was Alice Taglioni. Do you believe in love at first sight? Repeatedly? With the same person? It’s hard not to fall in love with her and continually re-fall in love with her in every scene in she’s in.

So that’s that. Stay tuned for some Cut to the Chase. I have Vantage Point queued up, and the bar is high for all William Hurt films after A History of Violence as any film that he does not steal will be a disappointment to me.

Let’s start with “True Beauty.” This show is a reality TV competition in which 3 judges deceive a group of people into believing they are in a beauty competition even though they are really being judged based on an arbitrary definition of inner beauty.

Moving on: “24.” Jack Bauer returns for another season of fighting terrorists and other stuff. I do like this show a lot, and I am definitely hooked. My one complaint: I’m really tired of these visions of the future where computer user interfaces are really nice but are built with HUGE FLAWS. For example, in this season of 24, the United States is protected by a firewall that protects a system that somehow controls air traffic control around the entire country, water treatment, and other important entities. This firewall can also be undermined if the designer of the firewall is given a soldering iron and a bunch of fancy looking circuits. And the firewall can be rebuilt in 6 days (but that’s not soon enough!)

So my questions are:

• Who decided to link all of these systems together so that if the firewall were compromised, terrorists would have controls to… everything?
• Who decided that it was okay to have a single “firewall” that could be undermined by a single person?
• Who decided to network the mechanism that would release toxic water into the nation’s water supply so that it could be controlled remotely?
• Who decided to implement a mechanism that would release toxic water into the nation’s water supply at the water treatment plant?

And this isn’t just in 24. Every other episode of Star Treks “The Next Generation” and “Voyager” are about the computer being compromised somehow and the ship being put in lots of risk.

Oh yeah, and Brannon Braga, producer of Star Trek TNG and Voyager, is ALSO executive producer of this season of 24. HMMMMMM.

Finally, let’s revisit “The City.” Last time, I talked about how I was happy that there’s finally a show that speaks to the issues faced by wealthy, attractive people. Well, while I still like the show, I’ve just got one problem with it: everyone in the show seems to be spending way more money than they could possibly afford. That’s right. I guess a bunch of them are rich, which is fine (good for them!), but it just bothers me that they have these seemingly low paying jobs but keep going to these chic New York restaurants where entrees cost at least $20. Okay, so maybe $20 doesn’t sound so high, but you KNOW they’re ordering appetizers and wine. And when they go out, you KNOW they’re getting the $10 drinks.

HRMPH.

1. It will be less visually stunning. If viewers do admire this film, they will not be able to describe it as “visually stunning” and will have to find merits in its actual story.
2. The challenges will be more difficult. In Pan’s Labyrinth, Ofelia got away with really easy challenges. In the sequel, Ofelia will be back, and her strength, endurance, and resolve will be tested when she finds herself at the Marine Corps base at Camp Pendleton, tackling the famous “crucible.”
3. Because of Lynch’s appreciation for Music and Lyrics, del Toro has chosen Drew Barrymore to play Ofelia and Hugh Grant to play her drill instructor. Together, they will work on a new lyrics for Reveille.

“I’m really tired of appealing to wide audiences,” del Toro said. “My only real goal for this film is to please Michael Lynch. That would please me.” Filming for Pan’s Labyrinth 2: The Streets is set to begin some time in mid 2009.

Gracie’s strategy starts with asking her father to train her. Then, she and her father petition the school board to allow girls to try out for the boys team. When she tries out, she makes junior varsity. Then some how, she gets put into the varsity game where she helps her school defeat their rival team. And thus you have Gracie (2007), starring Carly Shroeder, Dermot Mulroney, and Elizabeth Shue.

Viola, on the other hand, is not one for bureaucracy. She dresses up as her brother, goes to boarding school in his stead while he is in London to secretly enter a contest with his band. Viola ends up living with Duke, the captain of the boys soccer team, and she trades love-help for soccer help. Eventually, Viola makes varsity, wins the game against the rival high school, reveals to the world that she is a girl, and seduces Duke. And thus you have, She’s the Man (2006), starring Amanda Bynes, Channing Tatum, and Laura Ramsey.

Note to movie directors: If you’re trying to make girls look like they are good at soccer, please first teach them how not to run like girls.

You Got Served is a about a bunch of people that exist in a world where dancing is equivalent to a weapon of violence, and dance crews battled in an ambiguously illegal dance warehouse led by Steve Harvey’s character. David and Elgin (played by Omarion and Marques Houston, respectively) are the leaders of a dance crew with a winning track record at their local street dancing competitions when Wade and his crew of rich kids from Ocean County challenge them. Elgin accepts the challenge, only to find out (just before the beginning of the competition) that a member of his crew has joined Wade’s crew and given away all of their moves. After losing, Elgin and David confront Wade, where Wade replies with the movie’s title line, “You’re just mad ’cause tonight, you suckas got served!”

This bothers me because:

1. I think it wasn’t that they were served but that you stole a member of their team, learned all of their moves, took $5,000 from them, and then acted as though you were better dancers.
2. Wade and his crew are talented dancers that act tough, but in reality, they were not threatening. I don’t know how no one threw a punch.

In the rest of the movie, a bunch of irrelevant bull shit happens (there’s another storyline that has something to do with drug dealing), a kid gets shot, Elgin and David fight, and they eventually battle Wade’s crew again and win.

Step Up 2: The Streets, on the other hand, seems to get it right. It’s also kind of the opposite of You Got Served. Instead of a bunch of impoverished minorities trying to gain respect by competing against a group of tough, rich white kids, it’s a bunch of un-tough kids at a fancy school trying to gain respect by competing against a group of tough, impoverished minorities. Andie (played by Briana Evigan) is really hot and fun to watch for an hour and a half. She goes through a bunch of crap, enrolls at a fancy school (Maryland School of Arts), gets kicked out of her street dance crew called 410, and starts her own with kids from MSA. They then spend the rest of the movie trying to gain respect and compete against her old dance crew. At one point, a bunch of guys from 410 assault one of the kids from MSA. Why is this good? Because 410 is perceived as tough because of the physical threat they pose and not their dance ability!

So how does this tie into Never Back Down? Simply, Never Back Down and Step Up 2: The Streets, are the SAME MOVIE. Here are their plots.

(Andie/Jake) is a very talented (dancer/fighter) who has been transferred to a new school due to (her/his) delinquent past. (She/he) often thinks about (her/his) deceased (mother/father) who got (her/him) into (dancing/fighting). At this new school, (Andie/Jake) end up competing in a big illegal (dance/fighting) competition that is so illegal that its location/date information is only distributed by text message just before the competition begins. Once the competition begins, something goes awry, so (Andy/Jake) does not end up competing for the title. So instead, they take the competition outside where they battle it out on their own. To accommodate this, members of the audience turn on their headlights and make space. (Andy/Jake) then wins. And despite doing lots of crazy shit on asphalt, nobody seems to be hurt.

Okay, so the two movies are somewhat similar, and Step Up 2 has several moments where its plot just doesn’t make sense or they dubiously recycle characters to move the plot along, but I actually really enjoyed both Never Back Down and Step Up 2 and may have to purchase them on BluRay now that I’m getting a BluRay player.

…on second thought, I don’t think I’ll be doing that. But I did really enjoy them.