This weekend, I’ve watched Limitless, Take Me Home Tonight, and Step Up 3D, and I’ll cut to the chases of all three of them.

1. Limitless

Bradley Cooper takes a pill that makes him smart. When he stops taking the pill, he vomits a lot and walks funny. Russian loan sharks are mean to him. Robert De Niro pretends to know a lot about money.

2. Take Me Home Tonight

See: Can’t Hardly Wait. For kicks, you can also see Post Grad, but I don’t recommend it. That’s probably just over-thinking it.

Warning: This film is vaguely 80’s themed. Like Donnie Darker, but vaguer.

3. Step Up 3D: Tokyo Drift

This is a save-the-rec-center-via-dance ala Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo style film, but instead of a rec center for kids, it’s a warehouse where Luke, a guy who loves to dance, houses a bunch of other people that love to dance. Yes, they all just live in a warehouse.

This is also about Moose from Step Up 2D. Though he loves to dance, his parents want him to pursue a career in engineering, so this is a story of Moose moving to New York to study electrical engineering at NYU.

How does it end? Well, it’s really a three-part ending.

First, they win the dance competition against a rival dance group called "the Samurai,” earning enough money to save their dance warehouse.

Then, we see Moose in a heartfelt meeting with his dean proposing that they allow him to be the first person ever to double major in electrical engineering and dance.

(Note from a person that has gone to college: double majoring in EE and dance is not only not hard to get approval for, but it’s also completely useless. Unless, of course, Moose later wants to pursue a double PhD in EE and dance.)

Last, we see Natalie in Grand Central Terminal. Natalie met Luke at the beginning of the film, and she’s about to take a train to California. She’s also spent the entire film convincing Luke, the guy who loves dance so much that he lives in a warehouse full of dancers, to pursue is real passion, which is film???? In any case, Luke decides to take a train with her to California so he can study film.

For those of you that are curious, taking a train to California is like taking a plane there:

Except it’s twice the price and takes about 2 days longer:

Oh, and since it’s in 3D, along the way, the film involves a lot of pointing at the camera while dancing.

The end.

And it inspired me to create a post called “Things that have returned” where I list things that have returned and provide some half-assed commentary.

Here’s a list of things that have returned:

1. The Jedi

Were there any Asians in the entire trilogy? This blog says yes.

2. Batman

For a while, I considered this to be the last Batman movie where anyone tried until Batman Begins. Then I rewatched it and decided that everyone that was involved in creating this movie had to be on hallucinogens.

3. The King

This was way harder than it really had to be. You just had to ask all of the dead people, “hey, I need you to do me a favor and destroy 2 armies.” I don’t know why nobody thought of that.

4. The Living Dead

I don’t know why I posted this. I’ve never seen it.

5. Jafar

I haven’t seen this, but guessing from other “Return of” movies that I have seen, the evil Aladdin create a giant sphere-shaped space station with the power of destroying planets. He paints the likeness of himself and his friends on the side. Jafar, representing the knights of the Old Republic, flies with a fleet of rebels into a tiny hole and destroys the whole thing like he did two movies ago in Aladdin 0: A New Hope.

6. Superman

Returned: Superman.

Noticeably absent in this film: Writing.

7. Jimmy Wale’s face on Wikipedia asking you for money

Dude’s got a muscly face and he wants your monies.

I defected to North Korea and it was mediocre.

Of note about this documentary: it’s narrated by Christian Slater! But more on that in another post.

What I thought was specially crazy was the propaganda from the North Koreans, trying to convince soldiers to defect. They’d be all like, “hey, come over to North Korea. Everything’s awesome here, and we’ll give you money.” You know how you know that something isn’t right? When someone’s willing to give you money to take something awesome.

It’s like if Blizzard were like, hey, come play StarCraft2. It’s really fun, and you’ll get to play with girls that look like this:

That’s Ailuj. She’s a diamond Protoss player (pret-ty good). Sure, there’s the possibility that you’ll end up playing with her, but realistically, you’ll end up playing with someone like Fat Mike:

Note that I said “like.” Fat Mike isn’t even a real person. It’s just an undoctored photo I found of my roommate where he looks fat for some reason. So you won’t even get to play with Fat Mike. Because he doesn’t exist!

But I guess the real point was that there’s no way that StarCraft2 would be fun AND let you play with girls that look Ailuj because Blizzard would have no incentive to put that together!

Anyway, next up, what DID happen to Christian Slater???

I’d love to do a “cut to the chase” summary about this film but I really just don’t know what happened. There were a bunch of people and a bunch of aliens, and things happened, and I don’t know why, and there seemed to be a lot of people firing revolvers at bullet-proof aliens. Oh, but arrows and sticks seemed to hurt them.

What might be more interesting is that I got to test my motorcycle gear in a movie theater during a long, boring movie. The tests I conducted were:

• Sitting in them in an air conditioned theater for about 2 hours
• Sleeping in them for some periods

Results: It was pretty warm. Ventilated boots don’t really keep you cool when you’re not at speed, and any time you fidget, which you’ll do during a boring movie, you make a loud swishing noise.

So there you have it—that’s my review of my motorcycle pants.

One cannot like Harry Potter all the time. Quoth Plato’s Republic, “the sound of the flute played in the Phrygian mode, like Harry Potter, is recommended to improve the disposition of children and adults in certain circumstances.”

So when is it okay to like Harry Potter? Simply, it’s when you’re in any one of the following situations:

• You are dressed up as a character from Harry Potter.
  At this point, you might as well embrace it.
• You are watching Harry Potter
  Once again, you’re already there, you might as well sit back and enjoy Alan Rickman take over the scene as Severus Snape.
• There is at least one girl around you that likes Harry Potter.
  You don’t just start talking about Harry Potter if it’s just a bunch of dudes. However, this does not apply to Hermione Granger. You are always allowed to like Hermione Granger.
• You are a girl and you’ve read the books.
  This one is just based on observation. I don’t know of any girls that like Harry Potter but haven’t read the books. I postulate that it’s because it’s not socially acceptable.
• You wrote the books
  JK Rowling and Truman Capote are both allowed to like Harry Potter.
• Someone is being obnoxious about how much they like Lord of the Rings and the only thing that would bring them down a notch is a well-structured argument about why Harry Potter is better than Lord of the Rings.
  Lord of the Rings is about elves and orcs. Harry Potter is about love and aspiring to meet one’s full potentials. And little banker goblins.

Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead

Australian:  Hey there. Do you eat vegetables?

American: No.

Australian: How do you feel about your weight?

American: I should probably lose some weight, but I enjoy food too much. I’d rather die happy.

Australian: Ah. You know, I’m on this fast.

American: Yeah?

Australian: Yeah, I don’t eat anything. Instead, I put a bunch of vegetables and fruits in a juicer and drink my food.

American:  Oh

Australian: It’s full of micronutrients. Instead of all of those refined chemicals.

American: Yeah?

Australian: I’m losing a lot of weight, and it’s curing my urticaria.

American: That’s good.

Australian: Want to try it?

[Cut to parking lot where Australian and American are behind the Australian’s truck. The Australian blends up some juice (in the back of his truck) and both the American and the Australian take a sip.]

American: That’s not bad.

This conversation is repeated with other people for the next hour and a half. Moral of the story: If you’re suffering from bizarre autoimmune conditions, ask your rheumatologist about putting vegetables in a juicer!

Fortunately, Quantum of Solace finally came to cable last week which helped me get over Eva. Unfortunately, the plot of Quantum of Solace goes like this:

1. Evil guy representing world-wide terrorist organization goes to general of rebel army and offers to take down the existing government, giving power to the general. Evil guy does this in exchange for land that doesn’t seem to be of any value.
2. General accepts the offer!
3. Evil guy delivers and then reveals that the land controls 60% of the country’s source of water and sells the water back to the general at a marked up price.
4. General declines the offer!
5. Evil guy threatens the general with violence if the general does not reconsider.
6. General accepts the offer!

Well-played, evil guy! But I feel like you could’ve just cut to the chase had you done this:

1. Evil guy threatens the existing regime with violence if they do not give him a lot of money.
2. Evil guy throws a dinner party which involves large bowls of ice cream and dough nuts (I got this idea from Harry Potter).

So that’s my cutting to the chase of Quantum of Solace. Perhaps next time, I’ll write about something I’m really passionate about: bears wearing a fez and riding disproportionately tiny tricycles.

At first, I assumed that the problem was that I hadn’t seen the other movies, but upon talking to my Harrytard friends (is that offensive? I should’ve called them Potterheads), I realized that I have in fact seen all of the movies, and I already knew plenty of the back story. The plot just didn’t make any sense.

But I digress! I actually do like Harry Potter. I am a weight lifting, combat sporting, motorcycle riding, bacon eating guy, and I think Harry Potter is an okay series of movies for the following reasons:

1. Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, and sometimes, Luna Lovegood.
   Add to cart!
2. Alan Rickman as Severus Snape.
   Have you ever seen the Family Guy clip about Alan Rickman’s answering machine? Brilliant!
3. Wizards eat like pigs
   Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think about the mountains of ice cream, giant bowls of jello, and copious pies and cakes from Half-blood Prince.

So ya, that’s about it. I feel like I could probably post a series of articles about specific problems I have with Harry Potter storylines, but I’ve got a long list of higher priority things I wanted to gripe about like Lord of the Rings.

Now you have no reason to watch it and can spend your time better elsewhere. You’re welcome.

I knew in the first ten minutes of this film that it was going to be awesome. Why? Because the writer kept packing things into this tunnel. These include:

1. Several toxic waste trucks
2. Jewel thieves in a high speed chase
3. A bunch of snooty-sounding rich people
4. Viggo Mortensen
5. Sylvester Stallone, playing a cab driver
6. A bunch of tunnel workers that appear really happy

And in the first ten minutes, the word “tunnel” was used at least once every 15 seconds. So you know what this is like, I’ll use the word “tunnel” in every sentence in the next paragraph.

So what happens in this movie about the tunnel? The jewel thieves are in a high speed chase trying to escape the cops, so they decide to try to take the a tunnel. They then crash into toxic waste trucks which cause the tunnel to explode. A bunch of people are trapped in the tunnel. Sylvester Stallone finds all of the survivors in the tunnel and leads them into the tunnel’s wine alcove. Behind the wine alcove is a tunnel that leads all of the survivors into John Malkovich’s head. After about 15 minutes, the tunnel survivors are dumped out onto the side of the New Jersey Turnpike. Everyone dies a little bit after their experience with the tunnel. The end (of the tunnel).