Is it gross?

Growing up in the US, I’ve always associated fireworks with Independence Day and New Years celebrations. On these special days, big cities and hillbillies would light up the sky with fireworks displays, and everybody would go, “ooh… ah…”

But fireworks weren’t always used for this purpose. Back when the Chinese invented gunpowder sometime between 9AD and 12AD, they originally thought, “wow, this stuff is loud. Let’s use it to scare away demons,” marking the beginning of the use of fireworks in festivals. (Little did they know that loud noises only scared away harmless, loser-demons).

A short time after that, they decided, “wow, these things are neat, let’s stare at them in awe,” marking the beginning of the use of gunpowder in fireworks.  And of course, the jerk in the crew saw it and said, “wow, let’s use this to launch projectiles at our enemies.”

Thanks to the prolific trade between Europe and the Orient in the 13th century, some guy from Europe saw the gun powder and thought, “wow, launching projectiles! Let’s just go with it!” And thus he harnessed the power to destroy armies and level towns.

Jumping ahead to modern times, both the Eastern and Western worlds still use gun powder as weapons similarly (inside firearms pointed toward neighbors), but our uses of gunpowder for fireworks have diverged slightly.

Specifically, a common fireworks display in the United States involves loading a barge full of explosives and lighting them over water in a manner that allows spectators to enjoy the light show from a safe distance. In many cases, music is played in sync with the fireworks.

In Taiwan, however, fireworks are brought closer to the audience. For example, on the New Year’s celebration of 2008, the skyscraper Taipei 101 was rigged with tons of explosives to serve as the launching point for Taipei’s fireworks. On a side note, I like the guy who said, “Now that we’ve spent several years building the world’s tallest skyscraper, let’s rig it with explosives to celebrate the New Year of the less historically significant of the two calendars we currently use.” Ehh, okay, to be fair, this sounds a lot more reckless than it really was… unlike the Yenshui Fireworks Festival, which is as reckless as it sounds.

In the Yenshui Fireworks Festival, fireworks are brought even closer to the audience in a participatory BYOFMHTCT-style celebration. That is, Bring Your Own Fireworks, Motorcycle Helmets, Thick Clothes, and Towels. In this celebration that dates back to the 19th century when fireworks were used to fight plague, fireworks are fired in all directions within the crowd itself. Participants, wearing home-made body armor consisting of thick jackets, a motorcycle helmet, and a towel, try to get hit by them for good luck.

Now, before you start your own Yenshui style festival, remember this: these nuts have been doing this for centuries, and though they were the descendants of the same guys who thought fireworks could fight plague, they do have some idea of what they’re doing, as opposed to you. Fireworks cause people to lose things that are attached to them and that they want. Bleeding is often involved. Don’t do it.

On this day, the day of American Independence, wave around your American flag, have some American apple pie, and try some of these activities that celebrate things that are uniquely American:

1. Charge something to your credit card. Americans love credit! In fact, we can’t get enough of it. Fortunately for us, predatory lenders can’t give enough of it either!
2. Complain about gas prices while you drive your truck. Japan is pretty good at making smaller, more fuel efficient cars, but we don’t care. We like our women big and our cars MASSIVE. We like being able to move around a lot of stuff, even when we have nothing to move around. And we like low gas prices.
3. Complain about global warming while you complain about gas prices. Because you can’t drive your truck around in a Water World.
4. Outsource your labor. When there’s a job to be done, pay someone far away much less to do it.
5. Burn your house down while your abusive dad is in it. “Independence Day” by Martina McBride.

Happy 4th of July everybody!

This past Sunday, Germans all over Germany had their hearts broken as Spain shamed Germany 1-0 in the finals of the Euro 2008 soccer tournament. What does this mean for Spain? That they won! But what does this mean for the game of soccer? So much more…

So much more…

Euro 2008 was actually the first UEFA soccer tournament over the last century in which the United States hadn’t come out on top. In fact, not only were they not in the finals, they hadn’t even qualified to participate in the tournament. Many are saying that this is an end to the dominance of the United States in the world of soccer.

A popular explanation is that the United States, having been at the top for so long, has become complacent. Players aren’t training as hard while countries in South America and Europe, traditionally not known as strong soccer countries, are training younger, more talented players. It was inevitable that they would eventually catch up.

But looking at overall trends, it’s hard to ignore the fact that soccer just isn’t as popular in the United States as it once was. With stories such as that of the 2007 Boston Celtics, an underdog story about a team with 5 no-name starters making minimum wage becoming champions, it’s easy to forget about a sport in which players are overpaid and under-delivering.

The fact of the matter is that the United States has to step up the intensity of American soccer. How to do this is the question. Perhaps they need to recruit more talent just as they signed Pele with the New York Cosmos in 1972. Alternatively, they could require mandatory steroid injections to increase player speed and power. In any case, they’ll have to do something or this may be the end of a great era of American dominated soccer.