Is it gross?

Posted by: Al | January 21, 2012

The mathematics of football

I don’t know much about football other than what I’ve learned from movies. I am, however, really good at math. In fact, I’m so good at math, I can solve an easy-difficulty LA Times sudoku in fewer than 30 minutes. So, inspired by the football playoffs, I’ve decided to put together this mathematical analysis of football strategy. So, here we go!

The following is a table of various types of scoring and their point values:

Touchdown	6
Field goal	3
Safety	2
Extra 2 points after a touchdown	2
Extra point after a touchdown	1

The following is a bar graph based on the data above:

We then applied a scatterplot analysis of the data above and created this output.

We then attempted to curve fit the data above. We found that it fit a polynomial regression with an R² value of .9382 further confirming that our data must be correct.

Conclusion – here are the ITG Keys of the Game:

Offense: touchdowns are twice as good as field goals, so all things being equal, teams should also go for them. Also, based on the rules of football, it always makes sense to attempt either an extra point or 2 extra points after a touch down. There’s almost no reason not to.

Defense: getting safeties is good, but if you can gain possession of the ball and score a touch down, that’s at least 300% even better.

Next week: The mathematical analysis of the point value of Kevin Love’s 3 pointers. (Hint: They’re worth 3 points)

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Posted in Al Observes Things | Tags: math, sports

Posted by: Al | January 20, 2012

Universal office supply safety rules

Unbeknownst to most, January is Office Supply Safety Month. Though many would question the value of an “Office Supply Safety Month,” we should all remember the time that Plaxico Burress brought a stapler to a club and stapled his foot to his sweat pants. If that wasn’t enough, who can forget the press that Gilbert Arenas got when he brought an unloaded stapler to the Wizards locker room? Sure, the stapler was unloaded, but the incident did create a sense of unease for fellow teammates who always considered the locker room to be a sanctuary for piles of documents to remain unattached to each other.

So here are a few rules that we should all follow in being safe with our staplers:

All staplers are always loaded.
Never point a stapler at anything you’re not willing to attach to each other.
Keep your fingers on one side of the fulcrum until the target is properly aligned in the stapler.
Always be sure of your target and what is behind and beyond it.

Following these simple rules will ensure that everyone can enjoy their staplers year around.

Coming up next week: Paper – Useful office supplies or tree-y knives?

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Posted in Al Observes Things | Tags: office supply, safety, stapler

Posted by: Al | November 26, 2011

Fundraising for Wikipedia

I like Wikipedia and everything, but you know what makes me want to donate money to Wikipedia even less than seeing this at the top of every page?

Answer: seeing this at the top of every page:

Fun fact: Wikipedia is actually run by a motorcycle gang.

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Posted in Al Observes Things | Tags: wikipedia

Posted by: Al | November 26, 2011

Cut to the Chases: Limitless, Take Me Home Tonight, and Step Up 3D: Tokyo Drift

For a lot of people, Thanksgiving marks the beginning of a four day weekend when you finally have a chance to relax and watch a bunch of Netflix. For me, I call this “Thursday.”

This weekend, I’ve watched Limitless, Take Me Home Tonight, and Step Up 3D, and I’ll cut to the chases of all three of them.

1. Limitless

Bradley Cooper takes a pill that makes him smart. When he stops taking the pill, he vomits a lot and walks funny. Russian loan sharks are mean to him. Robert De Niro pretends to know a lot about money.

2. Take Me Home Tonight

See: Can’t Hardly Wait. For kicks, you can also see Post Grad, but I don’t recommend it. That’s probably just over-thinking it.

Warning: This film is vaguely 80’s themed. Like Donnie Darker, but vaguer.

3. Step Up 3D: Tokyo Drift

This is a save-the-rec-center-via-dance ala Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo style film, but instead of a rec center for kids, it’s a warehouse where Luke, a guy who loves to dance, houses a bunch of other people that love to dance. Yes, they all just live in a warehouse.

This is also about Moose from Step Up 2D. Though he loves to dance, his parents want him to pursue a career in engineering, so this is a story of Moose moving to New York to study electrical engineering at NYU.

How does it end? Well, it’s really a three-part ending.

First, they win the dance competition against a rival dance group called "the Samurai,” earning enough money to save their dance warehouse.

Then, we see Moose in a heartfelt meeting with his dean proposing that they allow him to be the first person ever to double major in electrical engineering and dance.

(Note from a person that has gone to college: double majoring in EE and dance is not only not hard to get approval for, but it’s also completely useless. Unless, of course, Moose later wants to pursue a double PhD in EE and dance.)

Last, we see Natalie in Grand Central Terminal. Natalie met Luke at the beginning of the film, and she’s about to take a train to California. She’s also spent the entire film convincing Luke, the guy who loves dance so much that he lives in a warehouse full of dancers, to pursue is real passion, which is film???? In any case, Luke decides to take a train with her to California so he can study film.

For those of you that are curious, taking a train to California is like taking a plane there:

Except it’s twice the price and takes about 2 days longer:

Oh, and since it’s in 3D, along the way, the film involves a lot of pointing at the camera while dancing.

The end.

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Posted in Cut to the Chase, Movies | Tags: limitless, step up, take me home tonight

Posted by: Al | November 9, 2011

Things that have returned

I saw this ad on Facebook about the return of Beavis and Butthead:

And it inspired me to create a post called “Things that have returned” where I list things that have returned and provide some half-assed commentary.

Here’s a list of things that have returned:

1. The Jedi

Were there any Asians in the entire trilogy? This blog says yes.

2. Batman

For a while, I considered this to be the last Batman movie where anyone tried until Batman Begins. Then I rewatched it and decided that everyone that was involved in creating this movie had to be on hallucinogens.

3. The King

This was way harder than it really had to be. You just had to ask all of the dead people, “hey, I need you to do me a favor and destroy 2 armies.” I don’t know why nobody thought of that.

4. The Living Dead

I don’t know why I posted this. I’ve never seen it.

5. Jafar

I haven’t seen this, but guessing from other “Return of” movies that I have seen, the evil Aladdin create a giant sphere-shaped space station with the power of destroying planets. He paints the likeness of himself and his friends on the side. Jafar, representing the knights of the Old Republic, flies with a fleet of rebels into a tiny hole and destroys the whole thing like he did two movies ago in Aladdin 0: A New Hope.

6. Superman

Returned: Superman.

Noticeably absent in this film: Writing.

7. Jimmy Wale’s face on Wikipedia asking you for money

Dude’s got a muscly face and he wants your monies.

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Posted in Movies

Posted by: Al | November 2, 2011

Al hates on Captain Planet

Back in the first grade, I was a huge fan of Captain Planet (largely because it was the fashion at the time). These days, there are still some episodes that are really good and relevant (see the Civil Rights-ish one!) However, it’s 20 years later, and I’m just a huge hater, so I decided that I’d just hate on Captain Planet for a bit.

Did any of you notice what this was:

It was the Geo-cruiser. It’s a vertical-takeoff capable, solar-powered flying vehicle. The Planeteers used it to go anywhere they needed to go so they could fight the villains.

But did anyone stop and think that it might be a good idea to release manufacturing specifications of the Geo-cruiser? Within the surface area of a small plane that holds 6 people, they figured out how to harness enough solar power to ACHIEVE FLIGHT. Maybe share this with the rest of the world and end fossil fuel emissions for good? AMIRITE? Maybe? Ionno???

And did anyone remember how at the end of episodes, they tell kids how to do good for the planet? In one episode, Ma-Ti’s advice was something along the lines of, “cars pollute. Ride a tram.” Where in the population of people who watch Captain Planet are there trams? I lived in the suburbs. How is that at all helpful to me? That’s the kind of advice that’s only useful to Ed Begley Jr: the only guy who cares enough about the environment and has enough disposable income to build a tram.

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Posted in Al Observes Things | Tags: Captain Planet, Ed Begley, pollution

Posted by: Al | October 26, 2011

Understanding Finance- Mark to market accounting

Market to market accounting is kind of a big deal. Captains of industry like Jeffrey Skilling adopted mark to market accounting when he became CEO of Enron. But what exactly is mark to market?

Simply put, mark to market accounting is a practice rooted in the history of corporate espionage. Corporate spies would account for times when marks, or in this case, corporate executives, would go to the market to buy groceries. When performed en masse, the theory is that the cumulative action of all corporate executives at grocery stores could provide accurate intelligence into the company’s conditions. For example:

Lots of caffeine – When execs purchase a lot of caffeine, it tends to mean that they’re up to something big, so they’re working long hours. Expect big news.
Lots of fiber – Execs hitting up the Kashi aisle are probably constipated. This means that they’re eating lots of expensive meat, which is backing them up. Expensive meat means that they’re sitting on a lot of cash. Expect higher than expected earnings.
Lots of alcohol – It’s Tuesday. Nothing really to learn here – execs just like to buy alcohol on Tuesdays.

Though this sounds like fancy pants accounting and voodoo math, it has been shown to work on numerous occasions. For example, corporate spies found that in 1983, when Randolph and Mortimer Duke cornered the frozen concentrated orange juice market, they consumed copious amounts of caffeine in the days leading up to the release of the orange crop report, and they ate lots of fibrous foods as they expected a large influx of cash. However, once they found out that his crop report had been tampered with, they proceeded to drink a lot (because it was on a Tuesday).

So that’s really all there is to mark to market accounting. If you have a firm grasp of mark to market, you can also make some educated guessing around what mark to lingerie model accounting is too.

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Posted in Understanding Finance | Tags: finance, mark to market

Posted by: Al | October 25, 2011

Cut to the Chase–Crossing the Line

The other day, I watched this documentary called Crossing the Line. It’s about a soldier from the US army that defected to North Korea in 1962. To condense the 1.5hr documentary to a single sentence:

I defected to North Korea and it was mediocre.

Of note about this documentary: it’s narrated by Christian Slater! But more on that in another post.

What I thought was specially crazy was the propaganda from the North Koreans, trying to convince soldiers to defect. They’d be all like, “hey, come over to North Korea. Everything’s awesome here, and we’ll give you money.” You know how you know that something isn’t right? When someone’s willing to give you money to take something awesome.

It’s like if Blizzard were like, hey, come play StarCraft2. It’s really fun, and you’ll get to play with girls that look like this:

That’s Ailuj. She’s a diamond Protoss player (pret-ty good). Sure, there’s the possibility that you’ll end up playing with her, but realistically, you’ll end up playing with someone like Fat Mike:

Note that I said “like.” Fat Mike isn’t even a real person. It’s just an undoctored photo I found of my roommate where he looks fat for some reason. So you won’t even get to play with Fat Mike. Because he doesn’t exist!

But I guess the real point was that there’s no way that StarCraft2 would be fun AND let you play with girls that look Ailuj because Blizzard would have no incentive to put that together!

Anyway, next up, what DID happen to Christian Slater???

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Posted in Cut to the Chase | Tags: crossing the line, defect, starcraft 2

Posted by: Al | October 25, 2011

My thoughts on electrons

I’ve got a chemistry exam tomorrow, so I’ve been thinking about electrons a bunch. Here’s some of the output of that thinking:

Heisenberg Uncertainty Cartoons

Version 1

Version 2

The following exhibit ionic character

And now for something unrelated to chemistry

The Houston… Eulers????

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Posted in Al Observes Things | Tags: chemistry

Posted by: Al | October 19, 2011

Chemistry inspired sandwiches

From the genius that brought you Al’s Light Meals (you remember, the sandwiches cooked in photocopiers?) comes a new quantum leap in sandwich shops:

Bohr’s Head Sandwiches come with pretty mediocre meat, but they’re known for our signature ingredients:

Rydberg Bread – A Rye bread, baked fresh, almost constantly

Atomic hot sauce – guaranteed to give you the runs for your money!

Vidalia anion sauce – a sweet and tangy onion sauce that will positively get you charged (disclaimer: it’ll actually likely negatively charge you)

Or, ask for your sandwich EXTRA BOHRING and we’ll not put any sauce on it at all. It’ll just be meat and bread.

Each sandwich comes with our Paschenfruit smoothie. It’s so good, you’d have to see it to believe (and you’d have to wear infrared goggles to see it)!

Is it gross?

The mathematics of football

Universal office supply safety rules

Fundraising for Wikipedia

Cut to the Chases: Limitless, Take Me Home Tonight, and Step Up 3D: Tokyo Drift

Things that have returned

Al hates on Captain Planet

Understanding Finance- Mark to market accounting

Cut to the Chase–Crossing the Line

My thoughts on electrons

Chemistry inspired sandwiches

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